Matrimony
by U3fan
Summary: After the Fourth Shinobi World War Konoha experienced a time of peace. All of the Five Great Nations signed a peace treaty and became allies of one another. Friendships blossomed and loved filled the air, for almost everyone. Enjoy, read and review. Rating may change in the future, but I'll try to keep it pg-13. " # " . :3
1. I Need To Do What?

I DO NOT OWN NARUTO

This is the first chapter of my fourth fanfic. In advance sorry for anyone ooc, mistakes or confusions. This takes place after the Fourth Shinobi World War. As of now it is not romantic and I don't know if it will be. Just two friends conversing on an important topic. Rating may change in the future. _Actions_. 'Thoughts'. "Speech". **Emphasis**.

WARNINGS: The s-word, also meaning poop, is said once, there is mentions of drinking alcohol, mentions of slight intoxication, mentions of boobies, the w-word that sounds like horse, minus the s is said once and the h-word meaning where the devil lives is said once. If I missed anything I apologize and I hope I haven't polluted your minds.

Summary: After the Fourth Shinobi World War Konoha experienced a time of peace. All of the Five Great Nations signed a peace treaty and became allies of one another. Friendships blossomed and loved filled the air, for almost everyone.

**I Need To Do What?**

In the Godaime's office, Hatake Kakashi waits patiently for his reason of being summoned. He has a lazy look in his eye and his hands are in his pocket.

"Hokage-Sama?", he questions her silence.

"Buy me a drink tonight, Kakashi?", she asks.

It's a question, but sounds more like a command. The silver-haired genius knows better than to reject her request.

"Of course", he responds. 'I always do anyways 'cause you never pay for shit!', he thinks.

"I have something I want to talk to you about", she tells him.

At this he raises an eyebrow.

'What is it now? I could've sworn I turned in all of my mission reports and they were pretty neat , if you ask me'. "Pick you up at 8?".

"As always", she replies and he poofs away.

88888

At Tsunade's favorite bar, Kakashi sits across from her in a booth. A waiter appears at the Hokage's side.

"Two regulars please", she tells him.

He nods and quickly returns with two bottles of sake and two small glasses. The man places one of each in front of Tsunade and the others in front of Kakashi.

He bows and leaves, but not before saying, "I hope you enjoy your night".

The copy-cat ninja follows the man with his eye until he turns a corner.

"He only gave you good service because you're his leader", he tells her.

She pours herself a shot and looks at the ninja in front of her.

"How do you know he didn't just like my boobs?".

"That's a cliché".

"Oh yeah?", she asks raising the liquid up to her lips.

Kakashi pours his own drink. He lowers his mask and takes the shot. The liquid burns his throat, but only for a while.

His gaze averts down, slightly as he tells her, "Everyone likes your boobs".

She rolls her eyes.

"So what did you want to talk to me about?", he asks.

He watches her pour another glass and he does the same.

"Why don't you tell me about your day first", she suggests and raises her glass to cheer.

Her Shinobi sighs and proceeds to do so.

88888

When the alcohol causes Kakashi to loosen up a bit, Tsunade decides to break the ice.

"How old are you, Kakashi?", she asks.

"35. Why?", he responds.

"You've spent most of your life serving and protecting the village and you're still quite young", she tells him.

"Thank you captain obvious", he says, obviously due to the considerable amount of alcohol in his system.

She lets his sly remark go.

"Do you have a girlfriend?", she asks.

"Hell no! Women are all gold-digging whores. They always want men to buy them stuff and get mad at the stupidest things. Then they think it's okay for them to beat men up whenever they see fit", he replies.

Tsunade's nostrils start flaring and a vein starts bulging at the top of her forehead. Her hands turn into fists and she clenches her teeth.

"hm?", Kakashi questions as he notices the look on her face. "Are you okay?".

"I'm fine", she says through gritted teeth. 'I have half a mind to knock his teeth out right now', she thinks. 'No! I can't. I have to tell him first... Then I can send him to a hospital'. "Kakashi", she says. "Don't you think it's about time you've settled down?".

He cocks his head to the side.

"Huh? What do you mean? I am settled down".

Kakashi refills his glass a brings it up to his lips as he waits for Tsunade's answer. The liquid enters his mouth.

"You need to get married", she tells hi.

He freezes. His cheeks are puffed out, due to the content in his mouth, and he stares at Tsunade.

She stares back wondering, 'What is taking him so long?'.

As Tsunade opens her mouth to speak, Kakashi decides to spit out his drink, into her face.

"Can you repeat that?", he asks.

He watches her open her eyes and spit whatever got into her mouth on the table, before glaring at him. Her teeth begin to show as she growls at him and her hands grip the top of the table to raise herself up. He just puts on his biggest 'My bad' smile.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!".

*****I hope you enjoyed it, thank you for reading and have a nice rest of your day. ('')#('')*****


	2. A Baby? And Then Matchmaking

I DO NOT OWN NARUTO

Here is chapter 2. Sorry for the wait. I had the idea in my head, but I just didn't know how to put it on paper. Well read, review and enjoy! _Action_. 'Thought'. "Speech". **Emphasis**.

WARNINGS: Mentions of alcohol, mentions of hitting, mentions of intoxication, mentions of wives, mentions of babies, mentions of breast milk, mentions of girlfriends, mentions of using tongues, and mentions of pedophiles. I apologize if I missed anything too important.

**A Baby? And Then Matchmaking**

In a local park Tsunade takes a seat on a brown, wooden bench. Kakashi, with his now black eye, stops walking when he realizes his companion is not following him. He looks back and turns around. With his hands in his pockets he walks toward his Hokage. Kakashi raises a hand up to his injury.

"Did you really have to hit me?", he asks, once in front of her.

She places her arms over the bench.

"Of course... You did violate me".

"It was an accident!", he tells her.

"Oh yeah... That's why you stopped, looked at me and then spit in my face", she sarcastically replies.

"I was surprised!", he admits.

She rolls her eyes.

"Yeah... That's why I hit you too".

"No you didn't! You hit me because you were angry and you have problems controlling your-".

'Jeez! When is that alcohol gonna run off?'. "Alright Kakashi, enough", she says. "We're getting off topic here".

He takes a seat beside her.

"I don't wanna get married", he tells her as he turns to face her.

She does the same.

"I think it's a good idea".

"Well I don't".

"But you need an heir, Kakashi".

"Why?", he asks. "You don't have one".

"That's different... And we're not talking about me, we're talking about you and your future family".

"That's not fair!".

He pouts and crosses his arms over his chest.

"Come on, Kakashi", she tries to cheer him up. "It'll be fun... You'll have a beautiful wife and have beautiful babies together that will have your genes".

"I don't want babies", Kakashi tells her.

He remembers the first and last time he babysat Kurenai's demon child. She threw up all over his Icha Icha book and he had to throw it out because the print became unreadable and the book smelled like beast milk. That was when he decided 'Never Again'.

She raises an eyebrow.

"Why not?".

"Let's see", he says as he raises his hands to count the number of reasons. "They smell, they're always crying, they throw up everywhere, you always have to change their diapers, they stink-".

"That means the same as smell", she comments on his last word.

He looks at his fingers.

"Well, there you go... I gave you five reasons".

"Four", she corrects. "Last one didn't count".

"Whatever", he tells her. "I am not having kids".

She hears the seriousness in his voice.

"Okay", she says. "Maybe you're not ready for children just yet... You still haven't acknowledged the fact that their existence allows for our survival, but what about a wife? Do you have a girlfriend or someone in mind? I mean a man like you must have women lining up, right?".

He scoffs and points to his black eye.

"Not with this".

"If that's the problem, I can heal it", she tells him as she holds up her hands.

He brushes her off.

"No, it's fine... But I don't really pay attention to women".

Tsunade slowly nods her head.

"So basically we're back to square one".

"When did we leave?", he asks her jokingly.

She sighs.

"I'm gonna give you a list and I want you to tell me what you think, okay?".

He shrugs.

"Ayame", she says.

"The daughter of the man who owns Ichiraku Ramen Shop?", Kakashi asks.

Tsunade nods.

"Are you insane woman!".

She glares at him. He holds his hands up in defense.

"Let me rephrase that".

Her glare softens.

"Are you drunk!".

"Kakashi", she growls.

"But seriously, no".

"Why not?", Tsunade asks a bit surprised. "I mean she is pretty... And she can cook you free ramen all the time".

"That's the thing though", he says.

She raises an eyebrow and he continues.

"Naruto would be at my house 24/7 if he knew I was dating the Ramen Princess... No way. Not gonna happen".

Tsunade nods. 'Naruto is pretty annoying'. "Okay... What about Shizune?".

"No", Kakashi blandly states.

"Why not?", she asks, disappointment in her voice.

"I don't have many friends", he admits. "And I don't want to lose the ones I've got now".

"What are you talking about?", she asks.

"That's Genma's girl", he tells her.

"What? Really?".

He nods his head.

"They've been dating for at least four months now".

"Wow... I really gotta pay attention to these things", she says to herself.

Kakashi rolls his eye, or at least tries to.

"Okay, okay".

Tsunade stops to think.

"Sakura!".

Kakashi raises an eyebrow, this time.

"What about my student?".

"Uh, you mean my student", she corrects him. "And what about her? She'd make a nice wife, huh?".

Tsunade winks at him.

"She's only 16! Do you want people to think I'm a pedophile?", he responds.

'I think they already do'. "So?", she asks. "Who cares what people think?".

"No", he says. "That's my final answer".

"Fine!", she huffs.

She opens her mouth to say something, but Kakashi interjects.

"Don't even think about saying another student's name".

She closes it.

"What about Kurenai?".

"She has a baby already... And she's the mother of my best-friend's daughter, so no".

Tsunade begins to lose hope as she runs out of names.

"Anko?", she asks in desperation.

"She creeps me out", Kakashi admits.

He shudders at the thought of seeing her draped in snakes.

"She's not that bad", Tsunade tells him. "I mean she's got a really long tongue... Good for something, right?".

"No", he states, no emotion in his voice. "Are we done yet?".

Tsunade sighs in defeat.

"I guess".

Kakashi raises himself up to his feet. He stretches himself out and puts his hands back into his pockets.

"Well, come on".

"Huh?", she questions as she looks up at him.

"I can't just leave you here... I'll walk you home. It's the **right **thing to do".

She smiles and raises herself up.

"You're quite the gentleman", she states.

"Yeah, yeah... It's only 'cause you'll be healing my hangover tomorrow. So let's go already".

Kakashi's starting to feel the after effects of his previous alcohol consumption.

"But seriously", Tsunade says as she walks to his side. "You should really think about who you want to marry... Tomorrow when you come to my office you better have an answer, or else".

Kakashi sighs and the two of them walk home.

'Great... Now I have to actually do something tonight... I officially hate my life'.

*****The end of chapter 2. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and if you think it deserves a review feel free to leave one. Any type is welcome and I apologize for any mistakes, including any ooc. Well I hope you enjoy the rest of your day and tune in next time. :p*****


	3. I Choose You

I DO NOT OWN NARUTO

WARNINGS: Mentions of hangovers, mentions of marriage, mentions of boobies, mentions of staring at boobs, very very very minor hint of self pleasure, and the h-word which is hello minus the o is said about 3 times. I don't think I missed anything.

Okay, Pikachu **I Choose You** (This is not Pokemon nor do I own it)

Entering Tsunade's office, without knocking, Kakashi walks right up to her desk and places his hands on her desk.

"Okay", he says.

She stops writing and looks up from her work.

"What?".

"I made up my mind", he tells her as he stands up straight.

The Hokage puts down her writing utensil. She leans back in her chair, crossing her arms under her chest.

"Really?", she asks.

He nods.

"Take a seat", she encourages him.

He gladly does so, no comments, complaints, or arguments escaping from his mouth. She raises an eyebrow at this.

'Why's he so happy. I thought he didn't want to get married... Oh well, my job just got easier!'.

"Are you ready?", he asks her.

'Ready for what? It's just a list of names'. "Are you?".

He leans back in his chair.

"Of course".

"What happened to your hangover?", she asks him after remembering their previous outing.

"Sakura took care of it already", he tells her.

Tsunade immediately raises herself up, her hands on her desk. Kakashi flinches back slightly and even though he wouldn't admit it, he knew it was in fear.

"Shizune!", she screams.

Her black-haired assistant enters the room.

"Tsunade-Sama?".

The Godaime has a wide grin on her face. Kakashi stares at her, one eyebrow raised.

'What is she doing? How dare she-'.

His train of though loses itself as his gaze averts down.

'What a perfect angle', he thinks.

She points at her.

"Get me a priest and call the best tailor in the village!".

"Why?", Shizune asks, confused.

Her hand rests back on the desk.

"Sakura's getting married".

Shizune's jaw drops. Her mouth remains wide open as she stares at her master in shock.

"To who?", Kakashi asks in a mellow voice.

"To you!", she answers.

"That's nice", he says, still in his trance. He breaks out and looks at her face.

"Wait! What the? No, she's not!".

"Yeah! That's what you came to tell me, right? That you chose her?".

"Where the hell did you get that from?", he asks her.

"Well, there has to be a reason that you went to her instead of me, right?".

"Yeah", he answers seriously. "She was closer".

"Oh",Tsunade says.

She takes her seat.

"So?", Shizune asks.

The Godaime sighs.

"Forget everything I just said".

The black-haired Kunoichi nods and leaves the room.

Tsunade looks at Kakashi to meet his glare.

"Oh give me a break!", she says. "I had a rough morning".

He rolls his eye, now healed thanks to his student.

"Can I go on?", he asks.

She nods.

"If I say another girl's name you're not gonna set up another wedding, are you?".

She glares at him.

He raises his hands up in defense.

"Alright then... Let's moves on".

"I'm waiting", she tells him.

"Okay... I will only marry these three things", he tells her.

"Women are not "things", Kakashi", she corrects him.

'I know... They're monsters'.

He puts up a finger.

"My books. Series 1 through 3".

He puts up a second.

"My hand. Left or right, it doesn't matter... But I'd prefer my right".

He puts up a third.

"And...". Looking at her chest he says, "Your boobs".

He looks back to her confused face.

"Make your choice".

"What the hell, Kakashi?", she asks. "When I told you to chose a wife, I meant a **human being**".

He shrugs.

"Too late... I wasted at least 5 minutes of my life on that list, so can you just choose something already?".

"You can't marry any of those things!", she tells him.

"Why not?", he asks.

"For one, your books are inanimate objects!".

"So?", he asks. "I love my books!".

"And you can't marry your hand because it's a part of your body!", she tells him. "Why the hell would you want to marry your hand anyways?".

"Well", he says. "On lonely nights-".

She holds up a hand to stop him.

"Enough! I don't even want to know".

"Okay, then what about your-".

"You can't marry my boobs", she tells him.

"Because?", he questions.

"Because they're a part of me! You'd have to marry me for my breasts".

"Okay then... It's settled".

"What is?", she asks.

"We're getting married", he tells her.

"What? No, we're not!", she responds.

He raises himself up.

Putting his hands in his pockets he says, "I guess I don't have to get married then".

He walks to the door and places his hand on the knob.

"Wait!",Tsunade says, raising herself up, again.

Kakashi can clearly hear the desperation in her voice. He smirks under his mask.

'I can't believe she's actually going to do this. Why does she want me to get married so bad?'.

He turns around, slowly.

"Yes?".

She sighs.

"I..."., her voice trails off.

She bites her lip. Kakashi watches her actions closely. She looks away from his eyes.

'Don't tell me she's shy about this kind of stuff'.

"Talked to Tsume this morning", she admits like she was declaring that she murdered the Fire Daimyo, or any of them at that.

Her body language returns to normal; confident, strong and demanding. He cocks his head to the side.

"So?".

"She's arranging a marriage for her daughter, Inuzuka Hana... And you will be the groom".

"What?", he asks.

She begins walking toward that same door.

"Since you can't decide on your own I'll help you... Wedding's next week, Tuesday. You better show".

She opens the door.

"You can't do that!", he tells her.

Looking back she says, "I'm the Hokage... I can do anything".

She exits.

"But... I don't even know her!", he whines.

Waving back and walking away she answers, "Well, you better go meet her then... And bring Pakkun. I heard she likes dogs".

He glares at her as she turns the corner.

'You think you can control my life? Don't worry. I'll get you back... After I get something to eat'.

***** End of chapter 3. I hope you enjoyed reading it because I did enjoy writing it. I want to give a shout out to **Fantasi Liar **for inspiring me with their review. Thank you for reading. I would give you a waffle (") # ("), but the site doesn't let me :(. Anyways I hope you enjoy the rest of your week!*****

LAST CHAPTER UNTIL I GET BACK FROM VACATION


	4. Next

I DO NOT OWN NARUTO

WARNINGS: Mentions of alcohol consumption, mentions of incest (kind of), mentions of babies, mentions of homosexuality and mentions of a pimp.

**Next**

(It's a funny T.V. Show on MTV)

At her favorite tavern, the Godaime can be found sitting at the bar, several empty sake bottles piled beside her. Her current bottle is already half-empty and she lowers it's content even more by pouring as much as she can in a small glass. She takes the shot and sighs.

'I can't believe Shizune abandoned me'.

Her apprentice went on a date with her boyfriend. She left Tsunade alone, but at her house. She doesn't even know of her master's current whereabouts. The Hokage takes another shot and sighs, again.

'I'm so bored. Maybe I should go bother Kakashi... Nah, he'll probably just whine about his new wife. What was her name again? Holly, Harley (Quinn lol), Hayley-'.

"Tsunade".

"No", she responds as she shakes her head.

"What?", a confused voice asks.

She looks beside her to see one of her paper jockeys.

"Nothing", she quickly tells him and looks away, a bit embarrassed she mixed up fantasy with reality. Her blush is covered by the deep alcohol flush surrounding her cheeks as a result of all the alcohol in her system. She fills up her glass.

"Okay?", the black-haired ninja replies, still confused by the strange greeting.

He leans on the counter top and she empties the liquid into her mouth.

"So", he says. "How-".

"Why are you here?", she interrupts him.

"I just wanted to-".

"Did you finish filing the paperwork in my office yet? There was a whole bunch before I left".

"Uh, no", he responds. Raising a finger he says, "But-".

She looks at him.

"Well, then I guess you should go do that, huh?".

His hand drops.

"Uh", is all that escapes his lips.

"Well, goodbye!", she tells him with a smile and a wave.

He slowly raises himself up and starts walking away. He looks back at her before leaving the building.

'She sure knows how to manipulate people', he thinks.

Kotetsu exits and his brown-haired companion enters. With his hands in his pockets, he slyly walks toward his target.

"Tsunade", he says.

She growls upon hearing his voice.

'Great... Another interruption'.

"You look lovely today", the young man tells her.

"Izumo", she says and looks at him. "I look like this all the time".

"Well, then I guess that that statement applies to you every single second of every single day".

He takes a seat on a stool beside her.

"Why don't I buy you a drink", he suggests.

"Well-".

"Bartender!", he screams, interrupting her, annoying her even more.

She finishes her bottle just in time for the other one to appear. When she holds it upside down and sees only a few drops of alcohol come out, she takes the full one from her ninja.

"Hey!", he tries to argue.

Looking at him, she twirls the liquid around in it's container.

"Shouldn't you be helping Kotetsu with the filing?".

"Um", he manages to say before she pushes him off of his seat.

He stumbles, but catches himself just in time or else he'd have face planted.

"Well, bye! Thanks for the drink though".

He walks away in shame.

'She sure knows how to kill the mood'.

When he leaves the bar Yamato takes his place.

'I can't believe I'm doing this... Though I have to admit, Senpai sure knows how to sweet talk'.

He takes a seat next to her.

"Hello, Tsunade", he says.

She looks at him from the corner of her eyes and takes a shot.

"Yamato", the Hokage responds.

"Um".

He nervously rubs the back of his neck and she looks at him. She sighs.

"You too?".

He remains silent. She turns her body to face him.

"This appears to be a reoccurring theme", she tells him. "So before this goes any further let me remind you, we have the same DNA".

She pauses.

"We would have demented babies... It just wouldn't work out".

The brown-haired Shinobi nods.

She smiles as she says, "But I'm really glad to see that you've recovered from Kabuto's attack so well. I'd expect no less from someone with Senju genes".

Yamato raises himself up, feeling as stupid as ever. He walks away deep in thought.

"Enjoy the rest of your night!", she yells from behind him.

'How did I forget?'.

The Godaime watches as the glass door opens and then closes shut. She turns her attention back to her sake and pours herself a cup. She smiles.

'The war's really over... And everything turned out alright'.

Her train of thought is lost as another one of her subordinate's calls her name.

"Tsunade-Sama", they say and take a bow.

She looks at him.

"Iruka... Let me guess. You wanna buy me a drink?", she says matter-of-factly.

He chuckles as he looks over her to the garbage on the counter.

"Actually, it looks like you've had plenty".

She eyes him suspiciously and he takes a seat. He orders a water for himself and she drinks her alcohol, eyes glued to the Shinobi.

"Have you seen Naruto's new girlfriend?", he asks her as he looks at her.

"New?", she questions, her eyes squinted at him.

He takes a sip of his drink and nods.

"Mhm", he responds. "He broke up with the brunette and now he's dating a redhead".

This catches Tsunade's attention and hey eyes open wide in shock.

"A redhead?".

The teacher nods. The Hokage pours herself more sake.

"Well, then she must be an Uzumaki, no?".

"It's possible", the brown-haired ninja answers. "But I'm not sure... It could be another fake. There's been a lot of them lately, women becoming who they're not, just to impress the war hero".

She smirks.

"I can't believe my little gaki's growing up... How many girls has he been with so far?".

Iruka raises his hand to his chin to think about it.

"I'd say... Over 20... I don't think he'll be settling down any time soon. He hasn't found 'her' yet".

Tsunade fills her glass.

"He's got his eye on someone though. And I know who".

"But?", Iruka urges her on.

She sighs.

"She's got her eye on someone else, but he doesn't even return the feelings... Love is so complicated".

Iruka nods.

"Love triangle, eh?".

The Godaime nods.

"There's one in every two man, one woman team".

"So how'd you deal with it?", he asks her and takes another sip of his water.

"It wasn't that bad actually. Although, I really think Orochimaru had it in for Jiraiya".

Her ninja chuckles and she takes another shot.

88888

The next day at dawn Tsunade is sitting at her desk, face on maple.

"Tsunade-Sama!", Shizune screams as she abruptly enters the room.

The Hokage immediately raises her head up, the loud noise waking her slumber.

"I wasn't sleeping!".

Her apprentice bows.

"Tsunade-Sama", she repeats.

"Okay, maybe I was", the Godaime admits in defeat. "But what do you expect? It's 6 in the morning!".

"Tsunade-Sama, look!", Shizune tells her as she holds up a piece of paper in front of her master's eyes.

The older woman has to squint to read the black print.

' WANTED

A male over the age of thirty, longing to find love. Even if you're not I still encourage you to

participate. Your objective is a busty, blonde woman who appears to be thirty years old and is known

as the Hokage of Konohagakure.

OFFERING: An abundant reward. The reward will very from man to man. For more details feel

free to contact me. I will be situated either at the training grounds, at my house or in the graveyard.

Must be completed before next week Tuesday.

Hatake Kakashi'

When the Godaime finishes reading a vein is popping out of her forehead and her face is red from anger.

"I WANT HIM IN MY OFFICE NOW!".


	5. The Bell Has Rung

I DO NOT OWN NARUTO

WARNINGS: Kakashi gets a beat down, male bashing (just a name call), poop is said once, the p-word that rhymes with horn is said once and "stars" is after it, mentions of blood and mentions of doing it.

**The Bell Has Rung**

(Boxing bell? Do you get it?)

"Where is he?" the Hokage questions as she pounds a fist on her desk.

"I just sent three ANBU out for him. It will take at least a couple of minutes," her apprentice answers.

"Noooo," Tsunade corrects her. "It should only take a couple of seconds. I mean he already told us where he's gonna be."

She points at Kakashi's mission request and reads the three locations across.

"His house, the training grounds, or the graveyard."

"Yes," Shizune agrees. "But there are multiple locations within those locations... And what makes you think that he will willingly cooperate with ANBU orders if he is fully aware of what he has done."

Tsunade grins evilly and places her intertwined fingers under her chin. Her elbows support the weight of her head.

"Oh, he will."

"Aaiieee!" Shizune screams as she cowers away. "What did you do to him? Did you drug him?"

It's not uncommon behavior for the female sannin. She drugged Jiraiya when he came looking for her and before him, she drugged many debt collectors due to her gambling sprees.

She rolls her eyes and leans back in her chair.

Waving a hand she says "Of course not! Jeez Shizune, you always expect the worst from me."

Her black-haired assistant sighs in relief.

'That's all I ever see.'

A smile returns on the Godaime's face.

"But he won't miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime... Especially if the ANBU tell him that I have the fourth book from that stupid series he reads... What was it called again?"

She starts snapping her fingers, deep in thought.

"Ah-ha!" she exclaims, raising her index finger. "Icha Icha Porn Stars."

Shizune sweat drops.

"It's actually just Icha Icha. The words after that are book titles, distinguishing one from the other and are the basis to what the books are about."

"So, you read them?" she asks.

"No!", Shizune quickly answers, her cheeks flushing red. "Kakashi-san talks about it all the time when Genma and I hang around him."

The Hokage nods.

"But I see one major flaw in your plan," her student tells her.

Tsunade raises an eyebrow.

"What?"

"I'm pretty sure Kakashi-san knows the author is dead."

Her master raises a finger.

"Ah, but he'll also know that this book was long and recently found... It was also signed to his biggest fan, Hatake Kakashi."

She picks up the mission request with his name and reads it over, again.

"You can't seriously think he'll believe that," Shizune comments.

"He's a man," Tsunade states. "He's stupid... He'll believe anything, especially something as important to him as this."

"Are you sure about that?" her student asks, doubt in her voice.

The blonde nods.

She holds up the piece of paper and asks, "By the way, how long has this been up?"

"Since last night I believe," Shizune replies.

"Good," Tsunade says. "So, only idiots saw it."

Shizune opens her mouth to say something, but the door flies open instead.

"Where is it?" Kakashi questions, a sparkle in his black eye. "Where is my new book?"

His arms are open wide, inviting the whole world in for a hug. Tsunade growls and Shizune moves out of the way.

"Hatake, I hope you wrote your will," she tells him.

"Huh?"

He looks at her confused as she raises out of her seat.

"'Cause I'm about to kill you!"

He turns around to run, but she jumps over her desk and onto his back causing him to face plant.

"I got you now!" she tells him.

She places one hand on the back of his head and grabbing as much hair as possible, she pulls him toward her, stretching his neck.

"Owwwoooo!" he howls like a dog.

His hands grip her wrist trying to pry himself free, or at least ease the pain.

"No, please! I'm sorry!"

Shizune starts inching toward the door, not wanting to become a part of the mess.

"I'm just gonna..."

She leaves and quietly closes the door, allowing the two their privacy.

"How dare you! You little piece of-"

"Language!" her assistant reminds her from the opposite side of the door.

"Poop!" she finishes.

"I'm sorry!" Kakashi cries.

Tsunade slams his face onto the floor. She gets off to turn him over and then takes a seat on his body, again. She grabs his collar and starts shaking him.

"Wake up! Wake up!" she commands. "I want you to look at me while I kill you!"

"Huh?"

His eye starts opening. When he sees the angry woman he screams.

"Aaaaah!"

"I am not one of your little friends!" she tells him.

He holds up his hands in defense.

"Ano, please wait-"

"I am your boss!" she yells and her right hand connects with his left jaw.

She punches him again in the same location and then once in his right jaw. Hatake groans in pain. He loses consciousness, again and Tsunade takes a break. She takes a deep breath and opens her eyes to see Kakashi's.

"Are you done?" he asks her.

She growls at this and then wraps her fingers around his neck. As he grip tightens, Kakashi finds it harder to breathe. He grabs onto her arm trying to push her hands away.

"Ts-Tsunade," he tries to get her to stop.

Her hands close harder and he looks at the evil smile on her face.

'She's really trying to kill me!'

He uses his right hand to push her face away.

"I'm gonna bite you if you don't stop!" she tells him.

Her mouth opens, but Kakashi doesn't listen. When his middle finger enters her warm cavern, her jaw closes shut.

"Owwooooo!" he howls, again and quickly pulls his bleeding tactile member away from danger.

He uses his left hand to grip his right wrist and hold his injury up.

"I cant believe you..."

She stops when she realizes Hatake is crying.

She loosens her grip on his neck considerably as she questions, "Kakashi?".

He sobs.

"You bit my hand."

He holds it higher for her to see. Blood is dripping down the longest one.

She removes her hands from his neck and looking at it, she shamefully says, "I know".

"But I use that hand!"

She rolls her eyes and sighs.

88888

"Why did you think this would be acceptable?" she asks the silver haired ninja, now standing in front of her desk.

Kakashi has a bandage covering his wound and Tsunade can see the blood seeping through when he hands back his request. He places his hands in his pocket and answers.

"Well, I thought that since you got to chose who I marry, then I get to chose who you marry."

"But I'm not getting married," she tells him.

"Oh, yes you are," he corrects her.

She crosses her arms under her chest and leans back in her chair.

"If you want me to get married, then you have to do the same... It seems like a pretty fair deal... Don't you think?"

She takes a moment.

'I'm gonna die soon so, Kakashi's happiness for a long time over mine for a couple of years.'

Tsunade nods.

"Sounds good."

Kakashi grins under his mask.

"Good... Your future husband will be Iruka Umino. The wedding will be on the same day as mine so, you might want to get to know him soon."

'So, he was trying to flirt with me... that little cheating, lying, son of a... I'll have plenty of time to hurt him after our wedding'.

"Alright then," she agrees.

"I'll see you Tuesday," he says.

She nods.

He turns around to leave, but turns back.

"By the way, where is my book?"

She raises an eyebrow.

"What book?"

"Icha Icha Mobile Adventures," he tells her.

"oh," she says. "That was a lie."

His eye starts twitching.

"What?"

"But if it were real, I can already tell you what it would be about," she responds. "Two people doing it in a transportation vehicle... Don't worry, you're not missing out on anything important."

She dismisses him with a wave of her hand, but he remains put. He glares at her.

"What?" she asks, annoyed by his stare.

"You-"

"Language!" Shizune warns.

"Witch," Hatake says.

Tsunade grins.

"Well, have fun on your date with Halle (Berry)."

"It's Hana," Kakashi replies.

"Whatever."

"And you have fun on your date with Iruka," he counters.

"I will!" she tells him and he turns around to exit.

'I can do this. I won't back out.'

'She can't do this. She'll back out.'

*****End of chapter 5. I have to admit, this chapter by far has been my favorite to write, type, whatever. Some of the words and/or phrases have double meanings, but only the good actually go with the story. It's rated T, after all. Anyways thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. If not... What are you smoking? Lol, jk, so you didn't. Either way have a nice rest of your day! (")#(")*****


	6. Why?

I DO NOT OWN NARUTO

WARNINGS: The a-word that means butt is said once. Also might be major mistakes in spelling because I used word pad to type and it doesn't have spelling-check. Also sorry for any other mistakes.

Who?What?When?Where?**Why?**

At a fancy restaurant Tsunade and her soon-to-be husband are situated at a two-person table. The Hokage has on a red dress that matches the color of her nails, but does nothing to cover her immense amount of cleavage and Iruka is wearing a black suit. Her blonde hair is out of its purple ties and is flowing down her back while Iruka has his hair in its usuall style, one ponytail on the back of his head. Classical music is playing in the background.

Iruka places his menu down on the table to look at his date and asks "So? Are you ready to order?"

Lowering her own, Tsunade answers "Well, I've never heard of half of this stuff, but... I guess so."

The brown haired ninja signals a waitor over. The blonde woman orders a drink only, sake, and her partner orders wagyu beef. When their server leaves, the chunin asks "You don't want to eat anything?"

She shrugs.

"Everything is too expensive. I mean one glass of sake is fifty dollars... And I bet they serve it in those wine glasses that have a huge top and a skinny bottom. Then they're gonna fill it like halfway, so basically I'm getting half of a half glass of sake for fifty dollars... I think that's already too much money."

"But place is the best of the best," Iruka responds. 'Well, in this village at least.' "So that means that the sake is worth it."

She places her hands under her chin to hold her head up.

Looking at him, she says "I hope so."

The waitor returns, just in time, with their items. Iruka politely thanks him for his service and Tsunade grasps her sake cup. The waitor leaves to tend to the other customers and she raises her glass up for a cheers.

"Let's hope you're right."

88888

"Woof!" a dog named Sasha barks.

Annoyed, Kakashi looks at his date. Hana is wearing a green sleeveless dress. Her hair is in a high ponytail with one lock of hair on either side of her face. The red Inuzuka clan tatoos can clearly be seen on her face.

She places her hands under the table and says "Shh! Or they'll throw you out."

Kakashi, who is wearing a nice black suit, is sitting across from her. He covers his face with his hand and sighs.

"Did you have to bring your dog?" he questions the brown haired woman.

"Is there a problem?" she counters, raising an eyebrow.

The copy cat ninja sits up straight.

"Well, we are in a restaurant," he explains to her.

"Yeah, because Ichirakus Ramen Shop is so fancy," she remarks and rolls her eyes.

"Touché," Kakashi responds.

Sasha starts whining.

"And what is taking the food so long?"

She comforts her pet under the table.

"Sasha is starving."

"Are you really going to make me pay for a dog?" he asks.

Hana looks at him.

"Well, I'm not going to eat this garbage... I'm on a diet."

Kakashi looks her up and down.

"Right."

Sasha barks, again.

"Shh!" Hana tells her.

"You might as well just take it out," Kakashi suggests. "I'm pretty sure everyone already knows that it's in here."

"**It** is a girl," Hana corrects him.

He raises his hands up in defense.

"My bad!" 'What is taking Ayame so long?' Hatake thinks. 'The sooner she gets here, the sooner I can take Miss PMS home.'

"Here you are!" said waitor tells the couple as she brings them their orders.

Kakashi watches as she places them on the table. On the opposite side of the table a white, hairy tail is wagging, the table cloth doing nothing to stop it.

"Thank you," Hana sweetly says.

Kakashi nods at teir server and she responds "Enjoy the rest of your night!"

As soon as Ayame disappears in the kitchen, Kakashi watches as his date places her bowl of ramen on the floor and sighs.

88888

Tsunade empties her glass and Iruka finishes his meal.

"Let's not waste anymore time," she tells him. "The only reason I agreed to marry you was so that Kakashi would marry Hana."

The brown haired shinobi across from her raises an eyebrow.

"Inuzuka?"

The Hokage nods once.

"But they've never even met," he tells her.

"Actually," she corrects him. "They have... First time being on the date they are on, about right now."

The chunin nods.

"What about you?" she asks.

"Huh?" Iruka questions.

"Why did you agree to marry me?"

"Kakashi and I cut a deal," he admits.

The Hokage leans back in her seat and crosses her arms under her chest.

"Oh really?' she asks, one eyebrow raised. "Do tell."

**Flashback**

**"What?" Iruka asks.**

**"I want you to marry Tsunade," Kakashi replies.**

**"Why would I do that?" the brown haired ninja questions.**

**"Well, why not?" Kakashi counters. "You need a mate and she's available."**

**"Yeah," Iruka agrees. "But..."**

**"But what?" the silver haired main interupts. "You two are the perfect match. Your love for Naruto makes the both of you compatible."**

**"I don't know," the chunin contemplates. "I mean she's beautiful, but she's kind of a little too old for me."**

**"Age is just a number," Hatake tells his friend. "As long shes got a pretty face, a nice body and doesn't talk too much it's all good."**

**He pats his inferior's back.**

**"I still don't know," Iruka admits.**

**"What do you want?" Kakashi then asks him.**

**"What do you mean?" the brown haired man questions.**

**"I mean... You're a teacher, right?".**

**Umino nods, slowly.**

**"Yeah."**

**"Do you like working?" the copy cat ninja continues.**

**"I like helping the children prepare for their future lives as ninja," the chunin answers.**

**"But you'd prefer staying home and getting paid, wouldn't you?" the silver haired shinobi questions.**

**"Who wouldn't?" Iruka answers.**

**"How about I take over your classes if you marry Tsunade?" Kakashi suggests.**

**Umino uses a minute to take everything in.**

**"You'll get you weekly salary and you won't even have to do anything... And you'll have a hot piece of ass on the side. Consumation is a part of marriage."**

**The brown haird shinobi holds up a hand to stop his friend.**

**"Do we have a deal?" Hatake asks as he holds out his hand.**

**Iruka shakes it to seal the deal.**

**End of Flashback**

"I want to go home," Tsunade tells him.

"Huh?"

"I want to go home, now," she repeats.

"O-okay," her shinobi stutters. "I just have to-"

"Take me home now!" she screams, standing up and slamming her palms of the table.

Her chair falls to the ground and the glasses on the table fall over.

"Okay, Okay let's go," he says and follows her out.

88888

"Can you put the bowl back on the table?" Kakashi asks his date.

"Sasha's not done eating yet," she tells him.

He looks over to see the animal still licking the bowl.

"She was done 15 minutes ago," he responds. "Now she's just leaving a pile of slob."

"Excuse me?" Hana questions.

"Just bring it up here so we can pay and leave."

The woman sitting across from him obeys.

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, quite," Hatake responds as he looks for his waitor.

"You know what?" she asks him.

"What?" he asks uninterested.

"You're so lucky."

He looks at her.

"Oh really? How so?".

"I don't even like you," she admits. "You're an insensitive, emotionless, cheap jerk."

"I'm glad to know how you feel-"

She holds up a hand to stop him from going on and he raises an eyebrow.

"You're old, you smell bad and you have horrible taste in style... I have to marry you though so my mom will stop bugging me."

"So... Why am I lucky?" Kakashi asks.

"Because you won't die alone," she replies. "You'll die with me."

'Oh goody!'

Ayame brings them the check and Kakashi lays down the cash.

"Well, let's go try our luck and see how fast I can bring you home," he says.

They get up and start walking.

***** Sorry for not updating for a while everyone. I started school again and I gotta keep my average up, like the highest in my grade up. But yeah so here's another update for this story, I don't really know about the other ones though. Well, this chapter goes out to **Exciled3** and I hope everyone enjoyed it!('')#('').


	7. Chapter 7

I DO NOT OWN NARUTO

WARNINGS: It gets a little mushy.

Chapter 7 (can't think of title)

As Kakashi enters his house, he takes off his black dress shoes and removes his jacket to throw it on the couch. He runs his hand through his hair as he thinks out loud.

"That was the worst date I have ever been on."

The Copycat ninja walks toward his kitchen to get himself a drink of water, but he doesn't get too far. He extends his hand and hears three loud knocks coming from his front door.

"Hatake, I know you're in there!" a rather angry voice says from behind. "Open the door, now!"

The silver haired ninja sighs as he walks toward the entrance. There are three more knocks on the door before he manages to keep it from breaking down.

"What do you want, Tsunade?" Kakashi asks as he opens the door.

He's not in a good mood, partly- no mainly because of his date. She roughly pushes past him and once inside, turns around to face him with her hands on her hips. She taps her foot on his wooden floor as she waits for Kakashi's attention. He sighs as he closes the door and turns around to face her.

"I can't believe you!" she says.

"What did I do **now**?" he asks.

"What didn't you do?" she counters. "You think that it's okay to buy someone's love? Are you really that stupid?"

The Copycat ninja ignores the Hokage's lecture as he proceeds to do what he was going to do before he was interrupted. Tsunade's gaze follows him to the kitchen where he pours two glasses of water.

He walks back over to her with them in his hand and she questions, "Well?"

"Take a seat," her shinobi says as he gestures to one of the couches beside them.

The Hokage groans, but does as she is told, for once. Hatake takes a sear across from her and she continues the conversation.

"You think you're funny don't you?"

"What are you talking about, Tsunade?" he asks before pulling down his mask and taking a drink from his cup.

"I'm talking about **you** bribing Iruka to marry me," she tells him, anger still in her voice.

Kakashi places his drink on the coffee table in front of him and pulls up his mask. He looks at Tsunade and she proceeds.

"Yeah, that's right. He told me **everything**."

Kakashi blinks a couple of times, a bit confused about the situation.

"I don't see a problem there," he admits.

"Are you kidding me?" Tsunade asks in disbelief.

Kakashi shakes his head.

She places her own drink on the table and says, "Well, I do."

"Why?" Kakashi questions.

"Because marriage is supposed to be about love," Tsunade explains, "not 'let me see how I can make money without working'… Two people get married because they care about each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together, no materialistic reasons are involved."

"So?" the Copycat ninja responds.

"So, how do you expect me to marry someone who is only agreeing to do it because you're paying him?" I mean nothing to Iruka."

"First of all, I'm not paying Iruka, I'm doing his job for him," Kakashi corrects her. "And why do you even care?" he asks, his one visible eyebrow raised.

His response confuses Tsunade.

"Excuse me?"

"You're only doing this so I will get married so, why do you care?" he asks again. "You don't love him and he doesn't love you… That's how it's always been."

"I just… I don't know," she says as she leans back in her seat and frowns.

"And if it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure Iruka finds you very attractive."

"Really?" she questions his statement.

He nods.

"And all relationships start there, right? So, as soon as he gets used to that bipolar personality you'll be in love before you know it."

"Hmm," Tsunade says as she thinks about what he just said. "Well, what about you and-"

"Hana?" he cuts her off. "Well, I find that we are in a similar situation here."

The Hokage picks up her glass and takes a sip from it before putting it back down.

"And why is that?" she asks.

"Apparently, she's only marrying me so that her mom will leave her alone. Other than that she hates me."

"I'm sure you guys will work it out," she tells him. "I mean you are both dog people, right?"

Kakashi thinks back to Sasha.

"She's a little **too** dog for me," he replies.

"Come on, Kakashi, give her a chance."

"I have and so far my experiences have gone downhill," he explains.

"You just have to get to know her," Tsunade says.

"I don't think I want to know her," he admits.

"Trust me. It'll all work out in the end," she reassures him as she raises herself up.

"Are you going?" Kakashi asks.

She looks from the door to him.

"Yeah… I'm sorry for bothering you."

"It's no big deal," he replies as he raises himself up. "Do you want me to-"

"No," she answers. "I got it."

Tsunade starts walking toward the exit and Kakashi follows behind. He opens the door and stares at her under the moonlight.

"By the way," he says.

She looks back and he continues.

"You really do look beautiful tonight."

She scoffs.

"So, are you saying that I don't every other day?"

"I… Um-"

"I'm kidding, Kakashi," she tells him.

He sighs in relief.

"You look pretty good yourself," she returns the compliment. "You clean up nice."

"Thank you, Hokage-sama."

She sighs and rolls her eyes.

"Don't let that get to your head, okay?"

"I think it already has," he says.

She starts walking away as she waves back at him.

"Goodnight, Kakashi."

"Goodnight, Tsunade."

***** So there is chapter 7. I have the week off from school because of mid-winter break so instead of doing homework I did this. I thought it went okay. It wasn't really funny, but it was all I could think of especially since I lost my plans for the ending in a notebook somewhere. Well, thank you for reading. Reviews are always welcome ('')#(")****


End file.
